


Twilight: High Tide

by raphaelxcastiel321



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Drug Use, Emo, Furries, Multi, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-04-06 12:31:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19062748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raphaelxcastiel321/pseuds/raphaelxcastiel321
Summary: Bella divorced Edward and left him for another man, sending Edward into a deep depression. Life is hell for Edward. But when the Cullens find out just who she ran off with, Alice has a troubling vision, and the heat is on to rescue Bella from the incoming danger.





	1. The Vision

It was a dark and stormy night. Edward was cutting his wrists like a emo teen girl, crying and listening to “Crawling in My Skin” by Limp Bizkit. “The pain is too much” he emoed, bleeding all over the floor like a murder scene. Rosalie offered him a nail file, but Carlisle interrupted and handed him a biopsy punch instead. 

Just then, Jasper ran by and grabbed it out of Edward’s limp wrist, then used the biopsy punch on Edward’s ear… then put a lock inside the fresh hole, locked it, swallowed the key, and took off like a bat out of hell!! “WTF, WTF?” screamed Edward. Jasper started laughing maniacally. “IT’S DOWN THE HIGHWAY, NOT ACROSS THE ROAD!”

Jasper had a job assisting suicidal youngsters with their missions. He got paid well for it and knew his stuff. This is why many _Twilight_ fans had a hard time liking him as a favorite character. His services were not limited to suicidal teens; he was also racist, and pushed them to do questionable things as well. His ultimate goal, though, was to make emo kids’ lives a living hell, and Edward was his favorite target. In fact, he refused to assist in Edward’s suicides because it made his life that much more entertaining.

Bella had left Edward for Donald Trump’s irresistible hair; she was often seen on television with him, combing his hair into a fuzzy, squiggly look. Jasper would keep the news on all day, just for poor Edward. “I could have done my hair like him,” Edward cried, “I would have if she had stayed!”

“But Edward, Bella wanted to be a vampire,” Alice tried to reason. “Maybe Donald turned her into one!” “But that couldn’t be possible!” Carlisle smartly replied, “The Volturi would be riding his ass harder than a Sunday at the glory hole. Vampires can’t be presidents!”

“You’re right, he’d be sparkling!” Alice said, then suddenly on TV, Donald Trump took out some body glitter and began pounding it onto his tan Oompa-Loompa skin and body. It triggered a vision for Alice. “I see… Bella dying--”

Edward wailed. Alice frowned in annoyance. “His hair. It’s… green?” Everybody but Emoward laughed. “Green hair is _weird_ for a president! Why would he dye it that color?!” Esme was nearly pissing herself laughing. Alice frowned. “You all keep interrupting me. STFU,” she grrred. “He’s not dyeing his hair green. He’s dyeing it blond like he always does. His _natural_ hair color is green.” The room went dead (Haha get it? They are vampires.) silent. Alice shook her head. “He’s not vampire, but he’s not human, either.”

Emmett pulled out some Scooby Snacks. “Let’s go solve this case!” He put on a detective hat and smoked his pipe. “This green will help me think!” He thought of aliens, and lizard people, and the royal family, and then ate some awesome cookies. He was a genius!

“Save the scooby snacks,” Rosalie chided Emmett, “because we might need those dogs too.” Lizardmen were afraid of wolves, and having a giant one or five might be the advantage they needed to figure this out.


	2. Visitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Cullens round up and try to convince the Uley Pack to join their rescue, but being werewolves, the cultural differences are a bit too much for the Cullens to handle.

In La Push, Jacob was practicing playing catch with Sam. They took turns throwing the stick and running after it to catch it. Emily was supervising because she knew how dangerous of a game it was, since that is how Sam scratched her face. Jacob saw the Cullens’ fast cars driving up and took off his fursuit head. “CAR!” he yelled, and they ran out of the road so they wouldn’t get squished.

Sam had unzipped his wolf onesie so he could run more freely -- he was in his birthday suit!! All the fangirls were squealing, and one ran on set to try to touch him, so Jacob sprayed her with pepper spray. This poor girl was named Jerome and she ran away crying.

Back to the script... Sam looked terrified because the Cullens were vampires. He held Jacob’s fursuit head to cover his red rocket, as he was very shy. “What are they doing here?” he woofed.

Jacob still had his fursuit on, so he barked back at him in their chosen doggie language. The words showed across the bottom of the screen: “I don't know, but that hot chick Bella isn't with them. Who's going to give us a belly rub??”

Alice looked disgusted. “You could at least wear underwear. But that’s not the point. Look, we need your help. Bella’s with that overly tanned freak and Edward’s… well…” Cut to Edward, banging his head on the driving wheel, some whiny emo song blaring and tears streaming down his face. “Yeah… awkward.” Seth was taking pictures of it with SnapChat, but then he fell and cut open his leg, so Carlisle had to do emergency surgery right away. All that hard work Seth did on his body paint was ruined...

Jacob and Sam wanted to help, but Jacob had to ask his child-like wife Renesmee for permission. She looked very young but was actually quickly growing, but since she was aging quick, she was technically only two months old. “I have to ask my mom,” he lied, not wanting them to question his lifestyle that was very questionable in the books. 

Esme thought this was the perfect opportunity for Edward to spend time with his daughter. “Oh Edwarrrrrdd,” she called.

Edward had gotten out of the car but had headphones on, and was using sticks to cut emo words into his glitter skin. “Edward, where did you get those?” Emmet asked; he’d never seen them before and they were very old. He also had a Zune attached to it, and they were an Apple family…. But Edward could not hear them because they were up so loud. Tragically, this is how he lost custody of his daughter. And it could be why Bella left as well. He was just so emo!

Esme got out her Jitterbug and texted Renesmee, who came down in her baby walker. Jacob took his wolf head back from Sam to hide his red face, and who knows why else. Renesmee wheeled over to her father, then promptly demanded for the child support money. Alas, it fell upon deaf ears, so Renesmee repeated herself: “I WANT MY MONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!”

The screams were louder than the screamo crap Edward was listening to, so he quickly took them off. “Please, Renesmee,” he begged, “I’m working three jobs. I’ll get you your money!” But no cigar; Renesmee wasn’t satisfied with his answer. To the horror of nearly everyone, she was suddenly six months old, and her reply: “You pay, now, bitch!”

Edward sobbed, dropping his lame bloody sticks, which Sam immediately fetched, as dogs are wont to do. “Don’t call me a bitch, I’m your father!” Edward replied, sobbing harder. Renesmee giggled. “And don’t make fun of me crying!” he whined. “Renesmee, I’m not doing so good…” Nonplussed, Renesmee said “I’ll put you on the streets.” This baby was roasting him like a rotisserie chicken! Edward wasn’t much of a father, but he tried to be stern. “I’ll get you your money; I just need a couple of weeks…”

Jacob, embarrassed enough by now, gave Renesmee a binkie, which seemed to soothe her. He leaned down to her level and whispered in her ear, “Can I go play detectives with my friends? Pretty please with diabetic blood on top??” Renesmee nodded, then took his hand, popping out her binkie. “Come, hubby,” she said as she turned her walker, returning the binkie as she guided Jacob back home to get her detective playset.


	3. Trouble in the White House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella loves Donald, but she's not so sure he feels the same way about her, and now she's starting to think the grass may not be greener on the other side.

Washington, D.C. Bella lay in the presidential bed, wearing a tiny black see-through negligee and holding a can of Cheez Whiz. “Donnyyyyyyyyyyy, come back to beeeeeeeeeeed,” she moaned seductively. “Just a minute, Ann Coulter is tweeting mean things about me!!” came a yell from the master bathroom. Bella sighed, doubting Ann was up at 3:46 AM EST, but she digressed.

Suddenly, a loud roar came from the basement. “Oh, honey, could you get Eric’s fidget spinner? The glow-in-the-dark one?” Trump asked. Bella rolled her eyes and threw the Cheez Whiz in a corner. What a waste of candles, she thought, blowing them out as she grabbed a flashlight and the fidget spinner out of a drawer, and headed to the dark, scary basement. Not wanting to go down there, likely due to Eric and the numerous spiders, she tossed that shit like a boomerang into Eric’s cage, then shut the door and headed to the kitchen. Sitting there was a troop of Oompa-Loompas. “Oompa-Loompas, go make me a sandwich,” Bella muttered. They immediately hopped up and got to work, singing as Oompa Loompas do. Bella started rolling her eyes...

_Oompa-Loompa, Doopity-Doo_  
_I’ve got a turkey sandwich for you_  
_Oompa-Loompa, Doopity-Dee_  
_Topped with lettuce, onions and cheese_

_What do you get with a picky President?_  
_A well-burnt steak in child-sized segments!_  
_Why do you think he eats the way he eats?_  
_Will he try anything. Not. Meats?!_  
_That’s not very likely…_

_Oompa-Loompa Doopity-Dah_  
_Here’s a side dish of caviar_  
_Now we’re done and bid you adieu_  
_Oompa-Loompa, Doopity-Doo!_

As they sang the last line, the Oompa-Loompas scooted her out of the kitchen and into the dining room. “Very strange, these Oompa-Loompas”, Bella thought. “Normally there’d be… humans… as staff… What was the reason for these things?” The Cullens never told her about them. There was probably so much of the supernatural world that Bella didn’t know. She wanted to know it all. And that’s precisely why she had to leave; Edward was selfish and was gatekeeping. She felt bad for leaving Renesmee behind, but a baby like herself would raise suspicions, and Bella didn’t need any more reasons for the Volutri to be spying on her ass. 

“But, come to think of it, why aren’t there a bunch of Volturi-like Oompa Loompas hounding Donald for this? He openly lets them parade around while Sean Spicer (“Spicy” as Donald called him) and Mike Pence were around.” Not only that, but Bella was sure they weren’t being paid, either. Something smelled, and it wasn’t just the Presidential toilet. She might have to sniff around for some clues. Or perhaps get the hell out. 


End file.
